Considering a self-imposed exile in NYC? Read on.
If you’re like I was five years ago, you’re planning a move to New York from somewhere cleanier, friendlier, and quieter. More predictable, for sure. This isn’t to suggest that you should change your plans. In fact, it’s statistically impossible not to be more interesting after having lived in New York than you were when you packed up the U-Haul. This is good news, but the learning curve is steep and the road is long. And there’s traffic. Okay, I’ve already lost control of the metaphor, but here are a few insider tips on living here when you’re an outsider.
1. You can’t really live on pizza, bagels, and Chinese dumplings. But, dammit, no one can stop you from trying.
2. People have “parties” which basically amount to a bunch of people meeting at a bar. A lame cop out which requires no cleaning, grocery shopping, or organization of any kind? Absolutely. But just pay the cover and go. You got to have friends.
3. The subway, even with a transfer and a route that takes you all over town, is always faster than the bus. I don’t know why.
4. Have the location, menu, and pricing of at least three restaurants committed to memory. When you’re out with a hungry, indecisive group, you will be the rockstar who says with confidence, “I know this great place three stops away with great tapas…And I think it’s Riesling night….” Party resumed, thanks to you.
5. Some people know which subway exit is most convenient and calculate where on the platform to wait for the train. Don’t be intimidated; follow the signs. Know that you know many things that these people don’t.
6. Bodegas, or delis, are wonderful things. Reliably, they have an ATM (with a fee, of course, but you’ll come off as a hick if you complain), and you can almost always buy the following: phone cards, single doses of most over-the-counter medicines, decent coffee, nearly any Goya product, cold cuts, and herbal supplements that supposedly improve sex drive and performance.
7. Oh, and speaking of delis: when you order a bagel at one, always specify that you want it “cold.” Many before you have learned the hard way that “hot” doesn’t mean toasted, it means “microwaved.” And that’s just wrong.
8. If a parking spot seems too good to be true, it is. That unmarked expanse of curb you find, right across the street from the supermarket, when it’s pouring? There’s simply no way it’s a legit space. And throwing on your hazards to go and do something quickly may work where you come from, but in New York, you might as well have a vanity plate that reads “TIKT ME.” Come to think of it, having a vanity plate of any kind is probably a bad idea.
Nice post! Welcome to the wonderful time sink, er, world, of blogging!